12 Lessons in 12 Years

Looking back over twelve years of marriage, I can see I've gotten a lot of things right and I could have improved in many ways too. Here are the top 12 lessons that I have learned or am still working on…

1. Accept Criticism: Everyone says "you just know" when it is the right person. Listen to yourself because it is so true. Even though I've changed over the years, I could not have found a better person that has inspired me to grow, encourage me to stand strong, and let me know when I should back down. Here is my lesson learned: The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. Be open, be honest, be accepting and realize it is better to be "saved" rather than ruined.
2. Write It Down: We spend so much time & energy planning for our wedding day yet we leave out the planning of the rest of our lives together. If I got a "mulligan" (Yes, Owen will be proud of the terminology), we should have taken the time to write down goals for our future. Here are some of the things that would have been discussed: How many kids are we going to have? What are the top 5 things we want our kids to leave our home knowing? What will your chores be in the house? Who is cooking, how much can we eat out, who does the shopping? How much are we saving for retirement? How will we spend the holidays? What are your pet peeves? Where will we live in 10, 15 or 20 years? Do we agree on a budget? What would your plan be if you got cancer? Do you like the house to be hot or cold? I know that some of these are trivial questions yet other questions and/or answers have the potential to change the course of your life. Dave Ramey says in his book More Than Enough, "Only about 8 percent of Americans have clearly defined goals and only 3 percent write them down. It is no accident that only 3 percent of Americans retire wealthy." I would say the same philosophy applies to the success or failure of a marriage.
3. Define Instead of Simply Repeating: I would have changed my wedding vowels (and taken them more seriously). Here would be what I would have said: I, Casey, take you Owen to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honor you. I will laugh with you and cry with you. I will love you faithfully through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold, so I give you my life to keep. For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried.
4. Complete The Cycle: I've learned that love (like life) is a cycle. Sometimes you "love" each other then there are times when you just "like" each other. However, it always circles back to "love" so don't call it quits before the cycle is complete.
5. Work Hard: It is so true that nothing ever comes to one (that is worth having), except as a result of hard work.
6. Welcome Home: Your spouse should look forward to coming home rather than dreading the arrival. Even if it's a rotten day, I need to remember to greet Owen with a smile just so he knows I'm glad he ALWAYS COMES BACK. (I'll have to learn this lesson from Sophie our little dog. She is always so glad to see him!)
7. Don’t be a Chihuahua: A lesson for us ladies....your husband needs his armor shined and his sword sharpened, not a Chihuahua barking around his ankles reminding him of his past failure.
8. Laugh: It is better to learn to laugh through life rather than cry your way through.
9. Go To Bed: It's ok to go to be angry because sometimes you just wake up in a better mood!
10. Make Incompatibility Work: Remember that what counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
11. Practice Makes Perfect: Marriage, ultimately, is the PRACTICE of becoming passionate friends.
12. Become Embers: Some start to complain when the spark is gone from their marriage. Remember that a spark lasts only a second. It lights a fire. When the flame burns down, you are left with the hottest part of the fire, the embers, which burn the longest and keep the fire alive.

(Happy Anniversary Chuppy Luv)

Note: Some of these lessons are my own thoughts some of these are reflections of good advice that I have heard over the years.